Like many people who have an eating disorder Natalie struggled with depression, anxiety and obsessive thought patterns. When the nurse suggested she look at her condition as a physiological disorder she found new venues to help reconnect the dots of body, soul and mind.
From our Runnin On Empty story.
I asked Natalie why she wanted to take nude photographs of herself. “The importance in having nudity, is the relationship with accepting sexuality as well as self worth. I dreaded having to be so vulnerable to myself and someone else- when I was, I didn’t always understand that it is okay to want to feel special, exciting, pretty, mysterious, emotional or sexual. It was easier to shut those feelings off. I would say the importance or relevance is closely tied with a "rebirth" or regeneration of love for myself.”
Part of our Running On Empty story.
By now I had stopped what I was doing, grabbed my notepad and replayed the passage Natalie left on my voicemail. "For the first time in human history, we are faced with real, tangible threats to the existence of our planet, our earthly body. We find ourselves asking questions just like the mother of an anorexic: “How could things have gotten so out of control?” How could we have ignored, for so long, the symptoms and cries of this beautiful body? How can we now, after so many wounds and scars and toxins have been dumped into the blood and air and tissue of this earth, turn it around? Is it even possible to change the ingrained beliefs and behaviors from unconscious, destructive, and life threatening conscious, creative, and life affirming? Can we come out of denial and realize that our lives depend on it?" (It’s Not About Food- by Carol Normandi)
Part of our Running On Empty story.
“I was really good at running and eventually the love for it was lost when all I focused on was training and being the best yet I wasn't fueling myself properly so it was like running on empty or hitting a brick wall in a way. I was my own worst enemy by not having realistic goals or a sense of balance and what happiness was for ME not anyone else (coaches, parents, teachers, etc.) The first time I was told to lose 5 or so pounds was in grade 9 and that was the first time that had been said by a coach, I used that as permission to keep a certain size because it was for my "sport.””
Shot for "Running On Empty"
To Be Her...
Natalie turned to the scrapbook. Here was a picture of Jessica Alba, a Roxy bikini ad, and a Sports Illustrated photo of Olympic runner, Marian Jones. “That was my goal.” She said, “To be her. The strongest least feminine athlete, and pure muscle.” Next to her objective was a poem and a handful of photos of Natalie crossing the finish after winning a number of races. One year after Natalie created her scrapbook, Marian Jones would admit to steroid use and return all 5 Medals to the Olympic committee.
From the "Running On Empty" story.
Natalie spoke confidently while reading the personal information, but as I watched her focus on the writing, I couldn’t help but wonder what she was feeling as she began to go further into detail. She continued while not skipping a beat. ”You decided that the risks of taking it are significant enough to motivate you to stop taking them.” she burst into laughter with her adolescent past. The fact she had lied to the nurse and had continued on using the pills was funny to her. I enjoyed the dark humor so I laughed as well. Yet, Natalie was more interested in easing her mind, so her body would continue to suffer until she found something simpler.
From my "Running On Empty" story.
Running On Empty: CONFIDENTIAL
In her hand Natalie held a file that read “CONFIDENTIAL” with three asterisks flanking each side of the bold lettering, indicating it’s weight. Below it read “Children's & Women's Health Centre Of British Columbia” She continued reading out loud, the notes the Nurse Clinician had written her ten years ago when she was first enlisted into the Youth Health Program.
From the "Running On Empty" story.
Running On Empty: Freedom & Enable
“After your mother found the guarana pills, you looked them up and talked about the potential side effects and mechanism of action together. Initially, you felt that guarana would give you freedom and enable you to be more relaxed and enjoy eating and food. It seemed that guarana could work as a safety net, You were hopeful that it might quiet feelings which interferes with your ability to eat, and quiet the urge to vomit.”
From the "Running On Empty" story.