The surf was small this day so I decided to write in my journal and make a fire while my friends paddled out. That's when I got chatting with Henk here. He is one of the infamous 'squatters' that were evicted from their commune back in the 70's. He told me stories about the homemade saunas he and his friends would lounge in naked, the empty waves, the music, the trek down and the isolation. Once again I thought to myself how the 70's here would have fit like a glove. The next day I walked down the muddy path with my board, through the trees but this time when I got to the beach there were six long haired greasy gals and guys running around naked in and out of the water. I stood there laughing at the serendipity and thought of my new friend Henk.

Tempted by the apple.

Really happy to be up on Beautiful Decay Magazine!

“Naked Nothing is where I could secretly curate my feelings of pain, loss, love, depression, and the rebirthing cycle. My largest anxieties are about my relationships with people, so in my work I’ve romanticized three key figures that are vaguely present in most of my stories: my father, an ex, and the girl I can’t have. Being active in nature, paying attention to light, and listening to zen philosophy, have all helped to calm the constant commentary. Learning to use photography as a tool has been a large part of my healing process as well.”

This was my friends last trip ever. He had borrowed and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars from several banks over the years and never paid them back. He told me he had gotten access to a credit card and fled to Indonesia, in order to enjoy himself one last time. When he would arrive back in London, England, the authorities would be waiting for him. Wonder how you’re doing now? ‪#‎UnapologeticApologies‬

Friends and enemies.

Four guys confronting the laughing circle while laying in the laughing circle. I find it interesting how I always lose a significant margin of followers when I share work that has a trace of homoerotic behaviour. It’s all good, scram haters! ‪#‎UnapologeticApologies‬

After driving nine hours to Neah Bay, we pulled up to a familiar campsite and realized we were in the middle of a rave called Photosynthesis. We woke up to 100 empty C02 cartridges aka ‘whippets’ on the ground and our gas tank siphoned. #UnapologeticApologies 

Threw a stone and waited.

Let it beat on mine.

"Balance, Variety, Moderation."

“My mom was and still is my biggest support and hero in my life. In the midst of her fighting and struggling with how to help me find the proper professional support, she wrote on a piece of lined paper "balance, variety, moderation." I still have that piece of paper 11 years later which is crazy, but in some ways I think that was a start of entertaining the idea that someday I would want that in my life and be "better" or have a "normal" relationship with my body in regards to control- but mostly mentally rather than physically. At first I started addressing this piece of paper in regards to food, then exercise and then as I got older I thought about social life, sleep, work, partying etc. It is 3 words that are far too simple for some to probably believe, but for me it’s a little reminder, or piece of hope."

Words by Natalie to finish off your "Running On Empty" story.

Once Natalie committed to her health and well being she started doing yoga, and began a daily meditation combined with a mindfulness practice. It calmed the negative voice in her head, and it gave her a safe place to exercise without judgment, both physically and mentally. Years later she completed a pilot program for mindfulness cognitive behavior therapy based course for youth (19-24 year old's at St. Paul's hospital) but as she was exited from the program the doctor asked her to join their team. Three years later Natalie is now in her first month involved with leading a mindfulness group, where she teaches others about being aware of their present thoughts, feelings, and sensations.

From our Running On Empty story.

Like many people who have an eating disorder Natalie struggled with depression, anxiety and obsessive thought patterns. When the nurse suggested she look at her condition as a physiological disorder she found new venues to help reconnect the dots of body, soul and mind.

From our Runnin On Empty story.

I asked Natalie why she wanted to take nude photographs of herself. “The importance in having nudity, is the relationship with accepting sexuality as well as self worth. I dreaded having to be so vulnerable to myself and someone else- when I was, I didn’t always understand that it is okay to want to feel special, exciting, pretty, mysterious, emotional or sexual. It was easier to shut those feelings off. I would say the importance or relevance is closely tied with a "rebirth" or regeneration of love for myself.”

Part of our Running On Empty story.

By now I had stopped what I was doing, grabbed my notepad and replayed the passage Natalie left on my voicemail. "For the first time in human history, we are faced with real, tangible threats to the existence of our planet, our earthly body. We find ourselves asking questions just like the mother of an anorexic: “How could things have gotten so out of control?” How could we have ignored, for so long, the symptoms and cries of this beautiful body? How can we now, after so many wounds and scars and toxins have been dumped into the blood and air and tissue of this earth, turn it around? Is it even possible to change the ingrained beliefs and behaviors from unconscious, destructive, and life threatening conscious, creative, and life affirming? Can we come out of denial and realize that our lives depend on it?" (It’s Not About Food- by  Carol Normandi)

Part of our Running On Empty story.

It's Not About Food

Natalie had left me a voice mail as she read a page from one of her favorite books, "It’s Not About Food" by Carol Normandi. "We cannot ignore the parallel trend of disrespecting and disconnecting with our human bodies and our earthly body. Our world has forgotten how to listen to and honor the feminine- the intuitive inherent wisdom of mother earth and our bodies. Our egoic mind takes over, and in the race to be “good enough, thin enough, rich enough, successful enough,” we conquer, control, intellectualize, linearize, categorize, and go for the goal no matter what the process, even if the process is starving, cutting, stapling, polluting, destroying, or causing extinction. 

From Running On Empty

“I was really good at running and eventually the love for it was lost when all I focused on was training and being the best yet I wasn't fueling myself properly so it was like running on empty or hitting a brick wall in a way. I was my own worst enemy by not having realistic goals or a sense of balance and what happiness was for ME not anyone else (coaches, parents, teachers, etc.) The first time I was told to lose 5 or so pounds was in grade 9 and that was the first time that had been said by a coach, I used that as permission to keep a certain size because it was for my "sport.””

Shot for "Running On Empty"

To Be Her...

Natalie turned to the scrapbook. Here was a picture of Jessica Alba, a Roxy bikini ad, and a Sports Illustrated photo of Olympic runner, Marian Jones. “That was my goal.” She said, “To be her. The strongest least feminine athlete, and pure muscle.” Next to her objective was a poem and a handful of photos of Natalie crossing the finish after winning a number of races. One year after Natalie created her scrapbook, Marian Jones would admit to steroid use and return all 5 Medals to the Olympic committee.

From the "Running On Empty" story.

Natalie spoke confidently while reading the personal information, but as I watched her focus on the writing, I couldn’t help but wonder what she was feeling as she began to go further into detail. She continued while not skipping a beat. ”You decided that the risks of taking it are significant enough to motivate you to stop taking them.” she burst into laughter with her adolescent past. The fact she had lied to the nurse and had continued on using the pills was funny to her. I enjoyed the dark humor so I laughed as well. Yet, Natalie was more interested in easing her mind, so her body would continue to suffer until she found something simpler.

From my "Running On Empty" story.

Running On Empty: CONFIDENTIAL

In her hand Natalie held a file that read “CONFIDENTIAL” with three asterisks flanking each side of the bold lettering, indicating it’s weight. Below it read “Children's & Women's Health Centre Of British Columbia” She continued reading out loud, the notes the Nurse Clinician had written her ten years ago when she was first enlisted into the Youth Health Program.

From the "Running On Empty" story.

Running On Empty: Freedom & Enable

“After your mother found the guarana pills, you looked them up and talked about the potential side effects and mechanism of action together. Initially, you felt that guarana would give you freedom and enable you to be more relaxed and enjoy eating and food. It seemed that guarana could work as a safety net, You were hopeful that it might quiet feelings which interferes with your ability to eat, and quiet the urge to vomit.”

From the "Running On Empty" story.

Running On Empty

“Dear Natalie,

Thank you for coming to meet me in clinic today. This letter will provide us both with the opportunity to review what we discussed together. We talked about the guarana supplements that you tried this summer. Your mother found them and was very upset. You understood this reaction, and felt it was appropriate because as you no know, the dietary supplement, guarana has some significant health risks.“

Before we began taking photos, Natalie led me into her room to show me some important things to help me understand how far she had come. Natalie pulled out a few items, including her old hospital wristbands, dated 15 August 2005 along with a weathered scrapbook, but it was evident she was most interested in the file folder.